A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, ‘Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

We can’t chew them because we’ve no teeth,’ she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, ‘Why do you buy them, then?’

The old lady replied, ‘We just love the chocolate around them.’

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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one fucking punch.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.. “It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.” “Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.” To which, her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning.” He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles de Menez. It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fucking start?”

Old Father O’Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. “My Lord,” he said, picking it up: “You’re the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I’ve ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles.” The frog replied, “Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.” “Incredible!” said Father O’Malley. “Is there anything I might do to help you?” “Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I’ll be back to normal.” “Well,” said Father O’Malley, “the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that.” So Father O’Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence…

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?” “No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. “Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.” “Fook off you liar!” “I’ll prove it,” Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?” “Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits..

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Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds’.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

‘How long will this take?’ I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband replies.

I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’

Without missing a beat he says, ‘Worked for your ass, didn’t it?’

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

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